Horoscope For Today

 It doesn't matter what the stars say.  The stars just fuse Hydrogen into Helium and radiate in the electromagnetic spectrum..

Horoscope From The Onion

This week: 

Sagittarius

Your combined proclivities towards paranoia and depression combine when you start to think a race of alien lizard-people are controlling life's lowest echelons from behind the scenes.

Actually, that would be a clear improvement over what we are subjected to now.