Tuesday, September 14, 2004

And Some People Think That I'm Weird

A letter To NRO:

Underneathe the newly found Dead Sea Scrolls (and, oddly, an April 2002 edition of Maxim magazine) were Commandments 11-20. The full texts of what CBS News is calling "Ten Commandments II" will be reported on "60 Minutes II." Highlights include:

Commandment 14: Thou Shalt not question the frequency Kenneth.

Commandment 17: Nothing In the Pentateuch Shall be Considered an Endorsement of Tax Cuts.

Commandment 19: If My Messager Says "I've check enough sources to burn a wet mule" he is telling the Truth.

Some critics question the authenticity of the tablets. "The early Hebrews did not use formica," insisted Robert Roberts of the University of Texas.

"I would very much like to know how the Canaanites learned how to chisel such a small "th" after the "20th" commandment -- and why they didn't use that technology throughout the document," said another expert unwilling to give his name.

In a streetside interview, Dan Rather responded that such objections were coming from partisans, heretics and witches and that "they should all be burned alive, just like it says in the 13th Commandment."

Another letter to NRO:

A reader cc'd me on his letter:

Mr. Rather.

I have followed with interest your interest in historical documents, and wish to offer the following items for your consideration. They are available at a reasonable price to be negotiated later.

1. A 1972 e-mail reprimanding then Lt. George W. Bush for playing 'Halo' on his X-Box while on-duty.

2. A 1973 Excel Spreadsheet of Nixon's Enemies List.

3. John F. Kennedy's Viagra prescription from 1960.

4. Franklin Roosevelt's Segway.

5. A polaroid photograph from 1919 of Karl Marx playing Ms Pac-Man with Gertrude Stein.

6. Stonewall Jackson's rollerblades.

7. Abraham Lincoln's weblog. (Including his Flame War with Stephen Douglas. Truly, a historical treasure.)

8. Thomas Jefferson's Outlook calendar. (Entry for April 5, 1795: "Booty Call with Sally H.")

9. The PowerPoint slides used by Benjamin Franklin at the First Continental Congress.

1. Guttenberg's first LaserPrinter.

To confirm the authenticity of these items, I refer you to a Mrs. Umaji Kwanzaa-Ujabara, the wife of the former Finance Minister of Nigeria, and an expert in the verification of historical artifacts.

This gets funnier every day.

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