Am I A Goth?

The Mistress of Source posted the following questionaire from a Catholic church on a registration required forum on an independent filmmakers site, thus I reproduce it here:

If Your Child is a Gothic, Reform Through the Lord!

Listed below are some warning signs to indicate if your child may have gone astray from the Lord.

Gothic (or goth) is a very obscure and often dangerous culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence. Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:

-Frequently wears black clothing.

Yes.

-Wears band and/or rock t-shirts.

-Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick or nailpolish.

-Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols.

-Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.

-Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. (Marilyn Manson claims to be the anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY.)

I listen to pretty much anything by RUSH.

-Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically.

Yes. Gamers.

-Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports.

Yes. I'm an atheist who hasn't sat through a football game since the Vikings lost the Super Bowl for the fourth time.

-Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan.

I ran a Dungeons and Dragons session based on Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

I was told that it was fun and don't do it again.

-Takes drugs.

-Drinks alcohol.

Um, yes.

-Is suicidal and/or depressed.

I had a Traveller character commit suicide once.

When borrowed a Skorpion machine pistol from another character he was told, "here, it shoots a bit to the left."

-Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. (This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and, His love. Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center.)

-Complains of boredom.

Well, duhhhhh!

-Sleeps too excessively or too little.

Constantly.

-Is excessively awake during the night.

-Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. (This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use.)

-Demands an unusual amount of privacy.

-Spends large amounts of time alone.

-Requests time alone and quietness. (This is so that your chid may speak to evil sprits through meditation.)

-Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult.

All yes.

-Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.

It's that atheism thing again.

-Misbehaves at school.

On occasion.

-Misbehaves at home.

-Eats excessively or too little.

Well, I do tend to pig-out when I can afford it.

-Eats goth-related foods. Count Chocula cereal is an example of this.

-Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. (Vampires believe this is how to attain Satan. This act is very dangerous and should be stopped immediately.)

-Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. (Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch.)

The History Channel.

-Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature.

God games like Civilization and Alpha Centauri.

-Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer.

Well double-plus duhhhhh!

-Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.

-Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner.

-Expresses an interest in sex.

See previous answer.

-Masturbates

Duhhh to the duhhhh power!

-Is homosexual and/or bisexual.

-Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism,
Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism.

What? Don't tell me that Objectivism is okay with you guys.

You haven't lived until you've performed an Objectivist fire drill in traffic.

-Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "woe is me", "I'm a goth".

-Claims to be a goth.

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene
immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center.

~St. Mary's Catholic Church

Don't tell Mom. okay?