While it is clear that Evil Overlords, and even Heroes, need advice
from time to time, it would also seem self-evident that those Monarchs
for whom power is a responsibility rather than a goal have a pretty
poor track record as well. Therfore I am compelled to present:
Things I Would Do If I Become The Good King
I will maintain a functional and regularly drilled army, a
top-of-the-line intelligence service, and a good working relationship
with any local Heroes.
My Wicked Uncle, Jealous Brother, etc. shall never be banished from
the realm. If I cannot justly imprison or execute them I shall grant
them a comfortable manor well within my borders, income sufficient to
indulge their least reprehensable vices, and a well trained staff who
will report his every move to me or my intelligence service.
I am not immortal and have no real interest in becoming so. For that
reason I will make comprehensive arrangements for the
succession/regency the day after my coronation and update them
frequently.
I will test all prospective heirs for intelligence, leadership
ability, administrative skills, and most importantly character. Those
who do not measure up in any the first three categories get pushed to
the back of the Order of Succession and put somewhere harmless.
Flunking the character test will, of course, result in the
Dysfunctional Kinfolk treatment mentioned above.
My Intellegence Service will have standing orders to investigate
(note: NOT prosecute) any rumours of corruption within the ranks of my
Advisors and High Nobles, including... make that _especially_ the ones
that I trust implicitly.
I will not stress over my lack of competent male heirs if I have any
daughters. Indeed, the arts of rulership shall be a part of all my
daughters' education (they could be better at it than my sons).
I shall seek out the most feared assassins in the land and give them
all a reasonable retainer conditional on my continued well being.
It is reasonable to assume that the Knights of my Realm have better
things to do than chase damsels in distress all the time. Therefore I
shall train all my daughters in escape techniques, wilderness
survival, disguise, armed/unarmed combat, sorcery if applicable, and
so forth. In addition, I will tell them to be discreetly armed at all
times.
Before summoning a DragonSlayer(tm) to my aid, I will see if any
Dragon not actively attacking my realm's populace is amiable to
reasoned negotiation. Setting out sentient sacrifices however, is
automatically out of the question.
My daughter shall be a judge, assuming she is not mature enough to be
_the_ judge, in any contest for her hand.
My Elite Royal Bodyguards shall never look like anything of the sort.
The people that look the part will be competent enough if it can be
helped, but I will have less conspicuous sorts hanging about at all
times.
My life is not mine to risk needlessly. Therfore I shall not command
my army in ther field unless my kingdom (not my throne) is at stake, I
am the only competent general on my side, and/or I have a competent
successor/regent waiting well away from the war zone.
If I do find myself in command of my army, I shall not make myself
more of a target than I must. For example; the Snow White Charger and
Guilded Armour stay at home, any strategy involving me leading a
clavary charge into the Teeth of the Enemy shall be designated Plan Z,
and so forth.
If my Royal Dignity demands that I maintain a harem, I shall conceal
wisewomen, sorceresses, warriors, R&D specialists, spies, covert ops
people, and the like therein.
I shall endeavor to include a staunchly heterosexual member of the
opposite gender, a staunchly homosexual member of my gender, a
devoutly celebate cleric, and an enuch among my closest advisors. They
will be charged with providing a Reality Check if a Mysterious
Seductress tries to worm her way into my heart (and incidentally, my
throne room)
Any other Bright Ideas?
-- H. Torrance Griffin
Paul Ciszek adds:
I shall not consider it beneath my honor to allow magic to be used in
the defense of the realm, provided said magic does not involve harming
the innocent, entering into contracts with evil powers, binding future
generations to onorous promises, or submitting to extortion of some sort.
(Ack, that didn't come out too ellegant. I'm thinking of Arthur digging up
Bran's head, because he wanted to defend Brittain through force of arms
alone.)
I shall not agree to engage the enemy in single combat, unless it
truly is a personal matter between the two of us that never should
have involved our respective peoples.
I shall have the laws of succession re-written such that, while my
daughters have more lattitude in making their own marital choices,
such marriages do not automatically confer any authority or
succession rights upon their husbands. Yes, Sir Young-and-handsome,
you may have my daughter's hand in marriage. No, you don't get any
of the kingdom along with it. Just start working on some grandchildren,
OK?
When setting a task for an unsuitable suitor, I will choose something
useful and beneficial that I would actually be pleasantly surprised
to see done successfully. I will not use this approach for any man
I consider truely unacceptable, as going back on a promise erodes my
authority.
While allowing noblemen with too much free time and testosterone to
skewer each other on the Field of Honor over imagined slights has its
benefits, I will also have a civil/criminal judicial system that will
make it possible to bring charges against the most able warrior without
jousting, if necessary.
And someone signing himself as Dreamer tacks his on:
A quick ten:
"If I absolutely *must* appoint a Grand Vizier, I will have him put under
geas/mentally conditioned so that in the event of my death or disappearance,
the first thing he will do is offer to serve *in the same capacity* to my
chosen successor. In the event that none of my chosen successors are
available, he will conduct a fair and reasoned search for a suitable
successor, to whom he will then offer his services. It will be made clear to
him that accepting the post means there is no further opportunity for
advancement."
"My private chambers, especially those where my (pregnant) wife and/or
children spend most of their time, shall have a permanent
anti-magic/anti-tech field erected over them. (I'm thinking along the lines of a permanent Mordenkainen's Disjunction
here. Something with some *teeth.*) No matter how good my
defensive magics/security systems are, when a Bad Guy wants to do something
nasty, he always succeeds. Let him work for it."
"Anyone who uses the phrase 'I live but to serve you, My Lord' will by law
be permanently barred from assuming any position of authority, no matter
what happens to me and/or my chosen successors."
"If one or more of my children turn out to be Bad Seeds, I will offer them
my unconditional love, and have them put under geas/mentally conditioned to
utterly refuse any and all offers of power made to them upon my
death/disappearance/betrayal."
"If I have an unstoppable superweapon of Good, I will use it as early and as
often as possible, rather than holding it in reserve or caching it to allow
my child or chosen successor to use it to avenge my death."
"I will never eat or drink anything offered me privately by someone who has
recently assured me of their unconditional love, fealty, and/or support."
"Crowns go on the big head: any business transacted by the little head does
not confer any privileges pertaining thereto. If I absolutely must make time
with a Bad Girl/Bad Boy, I will make it my business to have them and their
offspring subjected to the Grand Vizer treatment."
"Last stands are for poems. If an Evil Army has overwhelmed my defenses, I
will escape, quietly form a government-in-exile, and wait for its leader to
become complacent and careless before acting quickly and decisively to
retake my domain."
"I will remember that while Good always triumphs in the end, 'the end' is
subject to interpretation and I am not necessarily the embodiment thereof."
"I will remember that Evil will pull stunts that I wouldn't necessarily
think of: that's why it's Evil. Among my advisors will be an average
five-year-old child: if, in his objective opinion, one of my other advisors
is not to be trusted or is behaving sinisterly, that person will temporarily
be taken out of the chain of command while I investigate."
No comments:
Post a Comment