Dear Biggles,
We've caught Slick Willy, but I don't want to waste any ammo on him and we don't have enough rope for a proper hanging.
What can we do?
C.M., Salem Village, MA
Dear C.M.,
First, you need to be certain that you in fact have the Slickster. As you may recall, there were a number of impersonators who were making public and television appearances. There should be a fingerprint record in the FBI files. Failing that, the Russians may have something from the Slickster's days as a commie stooge. If that doesn't work you may have to ask someone who saw the more private parts of his anatomy--such as Ms. Gennifer Flowers or Mrs. Paula Corbin Jones--to I.D. him.
Second, he must be tried for his actions. While a trial at this time would be a formality, it will save you a great amount of historical grief later on. For a jury I suggest that you contact a college or university Objectivist Club. They are objective, and since they are atheists, YOU won't get a reputation for being nutty religious persecutors.
As for the method of execution, I would suggest stoning. Its old fashioned, but everyone regardless or age or gender can participate (If your patriot committee tries to ban women from the event, try to get the fake beard concession).
As for burial, any old municipal landfill should do quite well.
Hope this helps.
P.S. Do NOT speak God's name during the stoning, there have been some problems as a result.
_
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