Wednesday, October 25, 2006

And Now For Something Completely Different

Is Fidel Castro Ruz existentially challenged? Who really knows? But now we present...

The Dead Dictator Sketch!

The cast:

Charles Rangel, A Well Known Friend Of Fidel

Dan Rather, Another Well Known Friend Of Fidel

The sketch:

A customer enters a pet shop pushing a large leather chair with a dead Fidel Castro in it.

Mr. Rangel: Hello, I wish to register a complaint.

(Mr. Rather does not respond.)

Mr. Rangel: Hello, Miss?

Dan Rather: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Rangel: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Dan Rather: We're closing for lunch.

Mr. Rangel: Never mind that, sir. I wish to complain about this dictator which I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Dan Rather: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's, uh...What's wrong with him?

Mr. Rangel: I'll tell you what's wrong with him, sir. He's dead, that's what's wrong with him!

Dan Rather: No, no, he's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Rangel: Look, sir, I know a dead dictator when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Dan Rather: No, no, he's not dead, he's, he's resting! Remarkable dictator, the Norwegian Blue, isn't, it? Beautiful beard!

Mr. Rangel: He doesn’t look the slightest bit Norwegian. He's stone dead.

Dan Rather: Nononono, no, no! He's resting!

Mr. Rangel: All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up! (shouting at the chair) 'Hello, Fidel! I've got a lovely fresh capitalist enterprise for you to confiscate on if you show...

(Dan Rather hits the chair)

Dan Rather: There, he moved!

Mr. Rangel: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the chair!

Dan Rather: I never!!

Mr. Rangel: Yes, you did!

Dan Rather: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Rangel: (yelling and hitting the chair repeatedly) HELLO FIDEL!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes Castro out of the chair and thumps his head on the counter. Stands him up and watches him fall to the floor.)

Mr. Rangel: Now that's what I call a dead dictator.

Dan Rather: No, no.....No, he's stunned!

Mr. Rangel: STUNNED?!?

Dan Rather: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was waking up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, sir.

Mr. Rangel: look, sir, I've definitely had enough of this. That dictator is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out following a prolonged speech.

Dan Rather: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.

Mr. Rangel: PINING for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got him home?

Dan Rather: The Norwegian Blue prefers keeping on it's back! Remarkable dictator, isn’t he, sir? Lovely beard!

Mr. Rangel: Look, I took the liberty of examining that dictator when I got him home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting in his chair in the first place was that he had been NAILED there.


Dan Rather: Well, of course he was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed him down, he would have stood up and gone VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Rangel: "VOOM"?!? Sir, this man wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through him! He's fucking demised!

Dan Rather: No, no! He's pining!

Mr. Rangel: He's not pining! He’s passed on! This dictator is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired and gone to meet his maker! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the chair he'd be pushing up the daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He’s off the twig! He’s kicked the bucket, He’s shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the fucking choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-Dictator!!


Dan Rather: Well, I'd better replace him, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry sir, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of dictators.

Mr. Rangel: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Dan Rather: I got a slug.


Mr. Rangel: Tell me, does it talk?

Dan Rather: Nnnnot really.


Dan Rather: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)

Mr. Rangel: Well?

Dan Rather: It leaves a trail of blood.

Mr. Rangel: Yeah, all right.

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