Thursday, February 02, 2006

In Medical News

At The People's Cube:

Republicanism Caused By Brain Disorder, Mutation

In a deformed Republican (capitalist) brain, areas that normally control life-sustaining processes (the Guilt Gland, the Envy Center, or the Everything for Free Lobe, etc.) are miniaturized - while other regions become bloated out of proportions (the Personal Responsibility Lobe, the Self-Interest Cluster, or the overdeveloped and inflexible Spinal Cord that is connected to the Absolute Morality Lobe).

Symptoms of a Republican brain mutation include delusional ideas that democracy is the best known form of government, that capitalism creates wealth, that American culture stems from Judeo-Christian tradition, that people all over the world desire liberty and prosperity, that Third World countries should be self-reliant, that moral standards are absolute and objective, that the individual supersedes the collective, that parents should teach children values and have a wide choice of schools, and similar incoherent ramblings that mimic the speech of the insane. Everyone knows that the complete opposite is true.

As of yet, there is no cure for this disorder, which transforms the entire brain into a regressive biological structure. Fearing that this ailment can be contagious, doctors recommend quarantine and a warning for the public.

Of course we all know the cure for Republicanism, the Lubyanka Breakfast*, right comrades?

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.

* A cigarette and one round in the head.

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