What Has This Person Been Smoking?

IMDb user comments for
Manos, the Hands of Fate (1966)

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The 14th Warrior
Atlanta, GA

Date: 13 August 2003
Summary: One of the finest examples of great auteur filmmaking

Equaled in clarity of vision and flawless execution only by the greater works of Orson Welles and Alfred Hitchcock, brilliant independent film auteur Hal Warren's ‘Manos: The Hands of Fate' transcends its genre to do everything that it should and even more. Not only is it riveting edge of your seat entertainment, it also boasts a psychological depth unequaled by any other horror movie, achieved mostly through John Reynold's Oscar-worthy, divinely subtle performance as the tormented, tragically misshapen caretaker Torgo. Part Quasimodo, part Hamlet, this gentle soul's noble end, in which he is massaged to death by a group of terrifying succubae in luscious robes, is unarguable one of the most poignant in motion picture history – it is both a tragedy and a triumph of the human spirit. Oh, was I alone with a tear in the eye at the end!

Indeed, Hal Warren's masterpiece achieves the perfect balance between the heartrendingly sad, the refreshingly sardonic, and the chillingly satanic. The Master and his hellbeast are as much evil personified as Margaret is the embodiment of goodness and chastity. In a way, this is the definitive modern-day equivalent of Goethe's Faust, though even more sublime in the simple poetry of its dialogue. When Torgo describes his master as being `not dead the way you know it' and `with us always' he is speaking for all of us, how we truly live on through the memory of our words and deeds in the minds of those who follow us, be they righteous or malevolent.

Hal Warran not only changed the face of the Texan film industry by encapsulating such a grand story in less than 75 minutes, it also helped usher in a whole new perspective of looking at film, discovering different forms which never would have been conceived. Also, it's obviously a very personal film for Warren, who allows us to share his love and devotion to the project, and it is a truly moving, cathartic experience.

It will make you laugh, it will make you cry, and maybe – just maybe – you'll learn a little bit about yourself.

The BBC on the exercise of the right of self defense

They're against it

Which I think is basically depraved.

And It's About Bloody Time!

The long awaited Part Seventeen of Friends In High Places.

Kiss This!

According to the Weekly Standard

Davis, meanwhile, has received an unexpected boost--more like a testosterone shot--from an unlikely source: the actress Cybill Shepherd, who bared her soul to the San Francisco Chronicle.

The report, verbatim:

Shepherd told The Chronicle that the governor is "a good kisser." At least he was 36 years ago, when they first met in Hawaii. Shepherd, the star of TV's "Moonlighting" and "Cybill," was a 16-year-old on a trip with her parents, and Davis was working a summer job at a travel company.

Shepherd said she was smitten almost immediately, as she saw the young Gray--eight years her senior--dressed in a decidedly nontropical blue blazer over a gray T-shirt. Not only was the future governor striking, she said, "but he was so smart. He always treated me like an intellectual equal."

Shepherd's father wasn't so happy when they "made out passionately on the beach. We were covered with sand, but we were never lovers," she said.

But wait, there's more . . .

They fell out of touch until the mid-1980s, when Shepherd received a pot holder in the mail--a knickknack from Davis' Assembly campaign. And now, she feels so upset about the recall election that--unsolicited by Davis operatives--she said, "I feel like holding a press conference."

"He is a wonderful man, and he's served this state well," Shepherd said. "Just because he doesn't speak with the charisma of John Kennedy, people want to recall him."

Let's set aside the visual of a 24-year-old future governor in a remake of "From Here to Eternity" with a 16-year minor (no Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr they). The real story here: Davis left the poor girl with a broken heart and a crummy pot holder, yet she's still a fan. If Gray can placate Cybill, maybe he can charm his way out of being recalled.

Hey Cybill! Can you say stupid slut?

Can you say overaged stupid slut?

Can you say boring overaged stupid slut?

Can you say boring overaged stupid corrupt-apparatchik-hugger slut?

I could go on forever. If there is one thing that power tripping looters (and their "bitches") hate, it's being held accountable.

Film Threat is telling us something else

MAY I HAVE TEN THOUSAND MARBLES, PLEASE?
(2003-08-20)

You know what that means, don't ya? It means it's time for a parade and this time the event is to celebrate the 25th Anniversary DVD release of "National Lampoon's Animal House: Double Secret Probation."

On August 21st, cast and crew from "Animal House" will take Hollywood Blvd. in "The World's Shortest Parade," including a marching band, a live elephant, dancers, an ROTC contingent, cast members riding on the famous cake float, a massive food fight, and an entire production number set to "Shout" performed live by Otis Day And The Knights.

The event will commence at 12 noon in front of the Kodak Theater on Hollywood Blvd.

"National Lampoon's Animal House: Double Secret Probation" will be released to DVD on August 26th.

Film Threat Gives Advice On Making Vampire Movies

Rule #2: If the Fangs Leave the Mouth and End Up in the Cleavage, Chances Are The Suspension of Disbelief Will Go Right Out the Window. I might still believe in the existence of lesbians, but you’ll shake my faith in vampires every time.

Uh, Okay...

The final paragraph in a story about the origin of body lice:

"But I found out that entomologists and taxonomists pretty much are united in agreeing that human pubic lice are more related to gorilla lice than to head lice. I don't want to speculate on what our ancestors were up to to get gorilla lice in the pubic area," Stoneking said.

The Audience Is Paying Attention

According to the Independent:

In Hollywood, 2003 is rapidly becoming known as the year of the failed blockbuster, and the industry now thinks it knows why.

No, the executives are not blaming such bombs as The Hulk, Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle or Gigli on poor quality, lack of originality, or general failure to entertain. There's absolutely nothing new about that.

The problem, they say, is teenagers who instant message their friends with their verdict on new films - sometimes while they are still in the cinema watching - and so scuppering carefully crafted marketing campaigns designed to lure audiences out to a big movie on its opening weekend.

The throughly unpleasant fact of reality is that Hollywood is run by a bunch of uninmaginative twerps, the kind of people that Ayn Rand used to call Second Handers. It's the kind of mentality that wants to maximize profits but is unwilling to try something distinctly new or different. Thus the glut of sequels and the ongoing cinemisation of the sucessful television series. Even if the project is not a sequel or a series adaptation, the Second Handers still attempt to reduce risk by only combining elements that appeared to have worked in the past. Thus "The Adventures of Pluto Nash," an movie that combines the elements of Eddie Murphy, Computer Generated Imagery, and the Sci-Fi enviroment, still turns out to be an unwatchable piece of crap. (When I saw the trailer at the 2002 Convergence, my thought was, oh its "Moon Zero Two: The Next Generation.")

Another problem: Realism.

While certain liberties can be taken with space operas, films set in the real world (including 2001: A Space Odyssey) should be as realistic as possible as permitted by the film's budget. My own personal BS alarm went off when I saw the trailer for the second "Charlie's Angels" flick. It showed a scene where the main rotor on a helecopter gunship began to self-deploy. A mechanism for moving rotor blades from the storage position to the operational position would add weight to the aircraft. This is a bad thing in military aircraft.

And if the additional weight wasn't an issue a self-deploy system would still be useless in the operation context for one very good reason.

Every helecopter operated by an air force or army aviation unit comes with something called a ground crew. A bunch of guys whose job is to open, close, fold, and unfold components and perform maintainance on the aircraft.

Pardon me for being a bit long winded here, but when I see a BS element in an advertisment for a movie, I as a rule usually tend to avoid seeing it.

And then there is the issue of personal aesthetics.

While a brain-dead bimbo with obviously fake hair, eyebrows, lips, and breasts may be attractive to the urban pimp and his clientele, As I have said else where, I find such creatures to be repulsive. something about such such females just says "STAY AWAY" in big ugly letters. I absolutely refuse to see anything with Angolina Jolie in it, even for free. That's how put off by cosmetological fakery I am.

To make a long rant short (too late) I think that any Second Hand mentality who mindlessly copies the elements that others have used in their films really deserves to receive a financial kick in the face.

Not that the dumb bastards would learn from it.

I just got back from Mom's house...

...and my landlady, who spent 5 hours working on my computer, told me that I had SEVEN viruses on it.

FNORD

There Is No Photo With This Story, There Is No Photo With This Story

August 14, 2003 - Wireless Flash
Erin Moran -- Queen Of The Fake Orgasm
LOS ANGELES (Wireless Flash) -- Meg Ryan may be famous for her fake orgasm scene in "When Harry Met Sally" -- but her climax is getting competition from the gal who played Joanie Cunningham on "Happy Days."
For the last few months, actress Erin Moran has been touring the Midwest doing scenes from "The Vagina Monologues," a play that features women discussing their private parts.

Moran admits some folks have a hard time adjusting to sweet li'l Joanie talking about sex, but she takes pride in her performance -- and hopes it rubs off on the audience.

It has a few times. Moran says the best compliment she ever received was from a woman who told her that she faked an orgasm "... better than Meg Ryan."

Moran will be appearing at the TV Land Convention this weekend in Burbank, California. Although she probably won't demonstrate her orgasm ability, she will be happy to sign autographs.

So how is your day going?

After a long and sleepless night I finally doze off.

And then, in the middle of a dream involving girls who haven't quite reached the age of consent and the onset of a nuclear war, the jackhamer next door starts up.

I hate my life.

-- Les

Joe Bob Briggs on Lip Inflation

And while I'm on the subject: What is this thing with the lips? Forget breast enlargement. Some of these women in the movies have pumped up their lips BIGGER than their breasts. And, of course, it's especially attractive when the lip curls up in a permanent sneer, like the girl's dad was a bad Elvis impersonator. Yuk.

-- Joe Bob Briggs, Review of SHOWGIRLS

Seriously.

Who, apart from some urban ethnic pimp wanna-be, actually feels that inflated lips are pretty?

They are ugly, hideous, the visual equivalent of chalk squeeking on the blackboard.

Did I also say that they are ugly?

I must also confess that I hate eyebrow waxing and obviously fake hair color and configuration. That and breast implants make up what I call the California Clone look. And that's when I'm trying to be nice. Otherwise I normally call it the California Crack Whore look.

I won't go to certain movies, such as the remake of Gone In 60 Seconds, because the lead "actress" shows up in the trailer or the TV advert with such a hideous visage. And forget about picking up any recent issue of Playboy. I once tried to watch an event staged by the Comedy Central channel where Hef showed up with his harem, all California Clones. Time to call out the Sandmen, Hef has been running waaaay too long. I eventually ended up reusing the tape for something else.

Seriously people, even Tammy Faye Bakker has not had her lips inflated. That should tell us something.

One of the things I miss about the late Princess Diana was that she set a positive standard for personal grooming. She had zero use for the techniques of the California style of cosmetology.

Perhaps we could call it a corollary of Murphy's Law, if a Californian can do something wrong, he or she will.

-- Les

Recently Posted On rec.arts.sf.movies

While it is clear that Evil Overlords, and even Heroes, need advice
from time to time, it would also seem self-evident that those Monarchs
for whom power is a responsibility rather than a goal have a pretty
poor track record as well. Therfore I am compelled to present:

Things I Would Do If I Become The Good King

I will maintain a functional and regularly drilled army, a
top-of-the-line intelligence service, and a good working relationship
with any local Heroes.

My Wicked Uncle, Jealous Brother, etc. shall never be banished from
the realm. If I cannot justly imprison or execute them I shall grant
them a comfortable manor well within my borders, income sufficient to
indulge their least reprehensable vices, and a well trained staff who
will report his every move to me or my intelligence service.

I am not immortal and have no real interest in becoming so. For that
reason I will make comprehensive arrangements for the
succession/regency the day after my coronation and update them
frequently.

I will test all prospective heirs for intelligence, leadership
ability, administrative skills, and most importantly character. Those
who do not measure up in any the first three categories get pushed to
the back of the Order of Succession and put somewhere harmless.
Flunking the character test will, of course, result in the
Dysfunctional Kinfolk treatment mentioned above.

My Intellegence Service will have standing orders to investigate
(note: NOT prosecute) any rumours of corruption within the ranks of my
Advisors and High Nobles, including... make that _especially_ the ones
that I trust implicitly.

I will not stress over my lack of competent male heirs if I have any
daughters. Indeed, the arts of rulership shall be a part of all my
daughters' education (they could be better at it than my sons).

I shall seek out the most feared assassins in the land and give them
all a reasonable retainer conditional on my continued well being.

It is reasonable to assume that the Knights of my Realm have better
things to do than chase damsels in distress all the time. Therefore I
shall train all my daughters in escape techniques, wilderness
survival, disguise, armed/unarmed combat, sorcery if applicable, and
so forth. In addition, I will tell them to be discreetly armed at all
times.

Before summoning a DragonSlayer(tm) to my aid, I will see if any
Dragon not actively attacking my realm's populace is amiable to
reasoned negotiation. Setting out sentient sacrifices however, is
automatically out of the question.

My daughter shall be a judge, assuming she is not mature enough to be
_the_ judge, in any contest for her hand.

My Elite Royal Bodyguards shall never look like anything of the sort.
The people that look the part will be competent enough if it can be
helped, but I will have less conspicuous sorts hanging about at all
times.

My life is not mine to risk needlessly. Therfore I shall not command
my army in ther field unless my kingdom (not my throne) is at stake, I
am the only competent general on my side, and/or I have a competent
successor/regent waiting well away from the war zone.

If I do find myself in command of my army, I shall not make myself
more of a target than I must. For example; the Snow White Charger and
Guilded Armour stay at home, any strategy involving me leading a
clavary charge into the Teeth of the Enemy shall be designated Plan Z,
and so forth.

If my Royal Dignity demands that I maintain a harem, I shall conceal
wisewomen, sorceresses, warriors, R&D specialists, spies, covert ops
people, and the like therein.

I shall endeavor to include a staunchly heterosexual member of the
opposite gender, a staunchly homosexual member of my gender, a
devoutly celebate cleric, and an enuch among my closest advisors. They
will be charged with providing a Reality Check if a Mysterious
Seductress tries to worm her way into my heart (and incidentally, my
throne room)

Any other Bright Ideas?

-- H. Torrance Griffin

Paul Ciszek adds:

I shall not consider it beneath my honor to allow magic to be used in
the defense of the realm, provided said magic does not involve harming
the innocent, entering into contracts with evil powers, binding future
generations to onorous promises, or submitting to extortion of some sort.
(Ack, that didn't come out too ellegant. I'm thinking of Arthur digging up
Bran's head, because he wanted to defend Brittain through force of arms
alone.)

I shall not agree to engage the enemy in single combat, unless it
truly is a personal matter between the two of us that never should
have involved our respective peoples.

I shall have the laws of succession re-written such that, while my
daughters have more lattitude in making their own marital choices,
such marriages do not automatically confer any authority or
succession rights upon their husbands. Yes, Sir Young-and-handsome,
you may have my daughter's hand in marriage. No, you don't get any
of the kingdom along with it. Just start working on some grandchildren,
OK?

When setting a task for an unsuitable suitor, I will choose something
useful and beneficial that I would actually be pleasantly surprised
to see done successfully. I will not use this approach for any man
I consider truely unacceptable, as going back on a promise erodes my
authority.

While allowing noblemen with too much free time and testosterone to
skewer each other on the Field of Honor over imagined slights has its
benefits, I will also have a civil/criminal judicial system that will
make it possible to bring charges against the most able warrior without
jousting, if necessary.

And someone signing himself as Dreamer tacks his on:

A quick ten:

"If I absolutely *must* appoint a Grand Vizier, I will have him put under
geas/mentally conditioned so that in the event of my death or disappearance,
the first thing he will do is offer to serve *in the same capacity* to my
chosen successor. In the event that none of my chosen successors are
available, he will conduct a fair and reasoned search for a suitable
successor, to whom he will then offer his services. It will be made clear to
him that accepting the post means there is no further opportunity for
advancement."

"My private chambers, especially those where my (pregnant) wife and/or
children spend most of their time, shall have a permanent
anti-magic/anti-tech field erected over them. (I'm thinking along the lines of a permanent Mordenkainen's Disjunction
here. Something with some *teeth.*) No matter how good my
defensive magics/security systems are, when a Bad Guy wants to do something
nasty, he always succeeds. Let him work for it."

"Anyone who uses the phrase 'I live but to serve you, My Lord' will by law
be permanently barred from assuming any position of authority, no matter
what happens to me and/or my chosen successors."

"If one or more of my children turn out to be Bad Seeds, I will offer them
my unconditional love, and have them put under geas/mentally conditioned to
utterly refuse any and all offers of power made to them upon my
death/disappearance/betrayal."

"If I have an unstoppable superweapon of Good, I will use it as early and as
often as possible, rather than holding it in reserve or caching it to allow
my child or chosen successor to use it to avenge my death."

"I will never eat or drink anything offered me privately by someone who has
recently assured me of their unconditional love, fealty, and/or support."

"Crowns go on the big head: any business transacted by the little head does
not confer any privileges pertaining thereto. If I absolutely must make time
with a Bad Girl/Bad Boy, I will make it my business to have them and their
offspring subjected to the Grand Vizer treatment."

"Last stands are for poems. If an Evil Army has overwhelmed my defenses, I
will escape, quietly form a government-in-exile, and wait for its leader to
become complacent and careless before acting quickly and decisively to
retake my domain."

"I will remember that while Good always triumphs in the end, 'the end' is
subject to interpretation and I am not necessarily the embodiment thereof."

"I will remember that Evil will pull stunts that I wouldn't necessarily
think of: that's why it's Evil. Among my advisors will be an average
five-year-old child: if, in his objective opinion, one of my other advisors
is not to be trusted or is behaving sinisterly, that person will temporarily
be taken out of the chain of command while I investigate."

First We Saved Them From The Kaiserreich, then...

The BBC reports:

Leeds City Council mistakenly gave Moira Thoms 14 days to remove two vases, each containing a single white rose, from around the plaque at Lawnswood Cemetery where her ashes are scattered.

If I didn't have to go over to Mom's house this morning I would go into a long rant about the idioticies of British government. Especially about the blindly stupid policy of getting most a generation of young men slaughtered in order to save a certain bunch of egotists across the channel from the consequences of their own collective desires.

Seriously, I think the French role in lighting off Global Slaughterfest Number One is grossly underreported by most historians.

Uh, Riiiiiight...

From the Script Secrets message board:

I don't worry about monsters. My four year old loves The Lord of the Ring. her favorite character? THE BALROG!!! she jumps up and down, clapping her hands. "He's coming!! the bell rog is coming!!! He he he. he roars likes this RRRRRAAAARRR. No no no Gandolf, you don't hurt my bell rog!!!!"

Military Common Sense Rules

From Strategypage.com


A lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its applications of common sense ...

1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
(Paul Rodriguez)

2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
(Army's magazine of preventive maintenance ).

3. "Aim towards the Enemy."
(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)

4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
(U.S. Marine Corps)

5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
(U.S. Air Force)

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
(Infantry Journal)

7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
(US Air Force Manual)

8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
(Gen. MacArthur)

9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
(Infantry Journal)

10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
(Marine Gunnery Sergeant)

11. Tracers work both ways.
(US Army Ordnance)

12. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
(Infantry Journal)

13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
(US Navy Seaman)

14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
(David Hackworth)

15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
(Infantry Journal)

16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
(Joe Gay)

17. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
(Admiral Hornblower)

18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
(Unknown Marine Recruit)

19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
(Your Buddies)

20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
(Army Platoon Sergeant)

21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
(David Hackworth)

22. Your job is to kill the other person before they kill you so that your national leaders can negotiate a peace that will last as long as it takes the ink to dry.
(Drill Instructor)

23. In the Navy, the Chief is always right.
(Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters)

Kevin Costner as Uncle Dennie? I should hope not!

According to Fox News:

In 1990, Costner was at the top of his game, starring in and directing “Dances With Wolves,” which grossed more than $184 million, according to Billboard. The film also won Oscars for best film and best director, not to mention a nod for Costner as best actor.

Fast forward a decade and Costner has become more famous for dancing with horrible scripts and big-budget bombs.

“Waterworld” — the “Gigli” of its day — was hammered by critics and became the butt of water-cooler jokes. "The Postman," an unequivocal bomb, followed two years later and his films “Message in a Bottle” and “Dragonfly" also failed to thrill audiences.

Yet Hollywood keeps calling on the charming actor and others like him who have equally stalled careers.

The World Is Doomed I Tell You!

The Microsoft Matrix.

Plays on Quicktime. I usually use the click to save function.

Does This Portend The End Of The World As We Know It?

According to the Internet Movie Data Base "Manos, The Hands Of Fate" has been replaced as the worlds worst movie by two boy meets girl crapfests, one of which is the J-Lo-Afflect bomb Gigli.

At least it wasn't some epic "Stalwart Workers Heroically Achieve The Goals Of The Glorious Five-Year Plan" piece of propaganda from the People's Republic Of Whatever.

Does It Still Smell Great In The Morning?

"It is like this: you've got (an) enemy that's hard to get at. And it will save your own lives to use it, and there is no international contraventions against it ... I don't know that there is any humane way to kill your enemy."

-- Anonymous Marine Corps Official.