Thursday, March 31, 2005

Bad News

Mark Noonan, formerly of Blogs for Bush, has endorsed Hillary Clinton.


After careful consideration, we here at Blogs for Bush have decided to endorse Hillary Clinton for re-election to the Senate in 2006 and for President in 2008. Nothing would be more likely to bring America out of its current political morass than the intellectually brilliant and politically principled positions of the Senator from New York.

Dammit!

News of the Day

Mark Urbin has put up my New Devil's Dictionary on his server.

Check it out.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

My Horoscope

From The Onion:

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)

Your life expectancy will reach an all-time low this week when it somehow gets out that you're a good source of potassium, folic acid, and $245 in small bills.

Monday, March 28, 2005

This is Lame...

...even for a Nigerian scam artist:

D‮rae‬ Ba‮alcr‬ys Mem‮eb‬r,

T‮sih‬ em‮ia‬l was s‮ne‬t by the Barcla‮sy‬ s‮evre‬r to v‮re‬ify y‮ruo‬ ema‮li‬ add‮sser‬. You m‮tsu‬ c‮etelpmo‬ th‮si‬ pr‮co‬ess by click‮ni‬g on the l‮kni‬ b‮wole‬ and e‮tn‬ering in the s‮llam‬ wi‮wodn‬ y‮uo‬r Bar‮syalc‬ Members‮ih‬p num‮reb‬, pass‮doc‬e and memorab‮el‬ wo‮dr‬.
Th‮si‬ is d‮eno‬ for y‮uo‬r pro‮noitcet‬ - b‮ace‬use so‮em‬ of our m‮bme‬ers no lon‮eg‬r h‮va‬e acc‮se‬s to th‮ie‬r e‮liam‬ ad‮erd‬sses and we m‮su‬t ver‮fi‬y it. To ver‮yfi‬ yo‮ru‬ e‮iam‬l ad‮rd‬ess and acc‮sse‬ y‮uo‬r b‮kna‬ ac‮oc‬unt , c‮kc

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.

_

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Shameless Web Traffic Pulling Stunt

Pardon me for a moment (HT: Whacking Day):

"Right Wing Hate Site!"

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.

_

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Fifth Horseman, Continued

Fametracker Fame Audit does William Shatner:

Some celebrities think they've got this whole image thing figured out, they can have fun with it, and they can make it their bitch. Sure, we like John Malkovich, and, sure, we thought it was cool and funny when he starred in Being John Malkovich. But for William Shatner, every day is Being William Shatner. Some celebrities get it, but Shatner so thoroughly gets it that "it" no longer exists. He's consumed "it." He's crawled up inside celebrity and made it explode, the way that Neo finally crawls into Agent Smith and makes him explode. (Uh, sorry -- Matrix spoiler, for all you Amish out there.)

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.

_

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

The Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse!

I just picked up William Shatner's new album CD, HAS BEEN.

The cover looks like something that was designed in the late sixties or early seventies.

I started to play the first track and Dana the landlady starts pounding on the floor above me. She doesn't believe that I should inflict any musical thing involving Shatner on her.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.

_

My Horoscope

From The Onion:

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22—Dec. 21)

You'll find it hard to live a normal life for the next couple months, during which it will suddenly and inexplicably become fashionable to jump motorcycles over you.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Let's Also Subsidize The Manufacture of Buggy Whips Too!

Varifrank is having fun with the Traitors Peace Activists:

The cry for “No War in Iraq” was met with askance views from bystanders who correctly noted that the war in Iraq had not only already been fought but has been won for over two years. Other banners and placards in the rapidly diminishing crowds calling for the ratification of the League of Nations Treaty and passage of the Equal Rights Amendment along with cries for Women’s Suffrage and “Re-implement the Volstead Act” were also seen in the crowds of loyal if not highly deluded Howard Dean supporters. Other vocal and rowdy supporters of long time Presidential candidate William Jennings Bryan were undaunted by the fact that their favorite populist candidate has been dead for nearly 80 years. The southern rights activist group, Daughters for the Confederate States of America held a bake sale with sheet cakes that that read “ The South Shall Rise again” written in red and blue icing in scroll across the tops. “God Bless Bobby Byrd” said DCSA spokesman Hattie McCracker of Georgia as she noted to reporters that once upon a time there were many men in the Senate like him, but now there’s only one man there who back their peculiar institutions. "You used to be able to count on men from Texas to hold on to certain views, but it seems with George W. Bush, you just can't. You just never know who he's going to put in his cabinet." said Hattie to reporters as she sipped her mint julep on the courthouse steps.

Of course, if we had a truth in ideology act, the demonstrators would have to carry signs that read, "FREE SADDAM", "NO LIBERTY FOR ARABS", and "TYRANNY NOW!"

Later in the day, the flat earth society and its rivals the hollow earth society fought in open fisted combat in the Rockefeller center skating rink while supporters of the “Moon landing Hoax “ stood in neutral corners noting to one and all that the whole “polar thing” was a just ‘government conspiracy' in any case.

A Study In Contrasts

The Guru on his days in High School:

As the years pass it becomes ever more difficult to remember the feeling of national patriotism that characterized the inter-war period in America. The high school I attended boasted a battalion of ROTC cadets, plus a marching band. Cadets were in uniform Monday through Thursday, much as that may horrify current academic types. Every school morning we hoisted the colors on the front lawn to the accompaniment of two snare drums and two trumpets. The color guard, which handled the colors, was directed by the cadet battalion commander or his adjutant. At exactly 0800, the colors would sound attention and everyone then within ear-shot was expected to come to a standstill and face the colors, while the two cadet officers executed the saber salute.

-- Lt. Colonel Jeff Cooper, USMC, Retired

In present day California:

Song replaced bell used to signal lunch

"Gandhi beat the British Empire by not eating," Daniel said, so getting his school to broadcast "Slow Ride" was surely attainable. Also, the 17-year-old said, "I have a lot of free time."

He put it to use with a three-page letter that eloquently made the case for "Slow Ride." He launched a petition drive for Proposition Slow Ride and gathered 300 signatures. He secured the band's endorsement. Foghat sent him what drummer Roger Earl calls "Fogstuff" – CDs, autographed photos and the like – and wished him well.

Daniel didn't get any follow-up from Leyba after the meeting, so he and his friends devised messages in their Web design class to be delivered to Leyba daily. The first featured a photo of Daniel and an ultimatum that the principal had 10 days to play Foghat. If Leyba didn't play "Slow Ride," Daniel would go on a hunger strike. It was followed the next day with a photo of Daniel holding up nine fingers.

This is not progress.

Any attempt at coercion, especially the form of moral arm-twisting known as the hunger strike, should be treated as a hostile act.

The minimum correct response for the school administration would have been to say, "go ahead, starve yourself, stupid." Expulsion of the student is a definite option.

The answer to anyone who objects to the proper response is, "we will not accept moral responsibility, nor will we accept punishment for the consequences of what someone has chosen to do to himself."

My lack of God! What a bunch of wimps!

Saturday, March 19, 2005

Thought for the Day

Who'd thought that being a conservative was so much fun?

For example:

Friday, March 18, 2005

This Is Sick

In Florida:

A registered sex offender admitted Friday that he kidnapped and killed a 9-year-old girl who disappeared from her bedroom more than three weeks ago and told police where they could find her body, authorities said.

Ok, here's Les' theory of Leftism in One Lesson:

In Leftism, human life is evil, anything that damages or destroys human life is good.

The ruling principle of Leftism applied to this situation: Innocent little girls and police officers who protect them are evil, repeat sexual predators and the lawyers who protect them from justice are good.

I know it's wrong, but in Leftism wrong is right.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Thought for the Day

In my view the basic function of liberal (specifically Marxist) doctrine is to deny reality.

The specific fact of reality that absolutely must be denied under all circumstances is that each of us as human beings has right to say no.

No to the demand for obedience.

No to the demand for material support.

No to the demand for power over our lives.

Liberals, and the left in general, are parasites on human society. Without the power to compel others to materially support them the members of the left would be compelled either to become rational and productive beings or literally die off.

And it is not enough for the Left, especially their leaders, to be materially supported. They must also feel secure in their status as the masters of the productive. They must stage spectacles of mass obedience to create and reinforce their feelings of security.

The parades on May Day and anniversary of the local party's ascent to power.

The hours-long speeches that must be listened to with total attention and applauded with the greatest of enthusiasm.

And don't be the first to stop applauding when the leader speaks, that's disloyal!

To the left, every word of dissent or refusal is a sentence of death. And every pistol and rifle in the hands of a private citizen is a weapon pointed straight at their heads.

Someday, we're going to have to pull the triggers.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

This Qualifies As Surreal

William Shatner has a new album music CD.

This may be a sign of the end of the world.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled reality.

.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Thought for the Day

"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need," sounds really, really, really great if one is one of the needy.

For example: Karl Marx. Karl Marx. And Karl Marx.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Living In Pizzaland

While driving today I saw a woman driving a Subaru with a Kerry sticker toss a cigarette out her window. One should think that she would show more respect for the environment.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Quote of the Day

Contrary to popular belief, we science fiction writers don’t predict the future -- we try to prevent undesirable futures.

-- Sir Arthur C. Clarke

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Groan!

I'm sorry to say that there is such a thing as a dumb Republican:

A new bill introduced in the Minnesota House last week would prohibit 21-year-olds from drinking at midnight on their birthdays. Individuals would have to wait until 8 a.m. instead.

The chief author of the bill, Rep. Morrie Lanning, R-Moorhead, said the purpose is to prevent deaths because of excessive drinking of alcohol by young adults.

This is the sort of dumb-shit nonsense that causes us to lose votes to the Democratic-Farmer-Labor Demented-Fascist-Looter Party.

One of the fun things to watch in Minnesota politics is the spectacle of the reality-centered Republicans trying to rein in the excesses of the born-again bozoid wing of the party. It's bloody hard to explain why we're not heading into a theocracy when some bozoid comes up with this sort of legislative garbage.

Oh Really?

From Rotten.com:

Mao Zedong didn't set out to be the world's most lethal dictator. It was never his goal to kill more than 80 million of his own people. But then, sometimes things just happen. And anyway, somebody's gotta be the world's deadliest political leader.

Read the whole thing.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Thought for the Day

The instructors in our educational establishment, from kindergarten to the post-graduate level, should be both honest and sane.

That's not too much to ask, is it?

.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

It's Finished!

Friends In High Places, Part Twenty

or

Ramen And Whipsnade Are Feeling Better Now

By Leslie Bates



Whipsnade woke up in a slow and groggy manner. The universe
seemed to have gone dark on him until he brought his right hand
up to his head. Apparently some joker had laid his boater over
his own face.

Nice of him, her, or for he knew, it.

Whipsnade saw that he was in the lower bunk of what appeared to
be a crew cabin on an Imperial warship. In the workstation chair
opposite the bunks was his partner Fred Ramen.

"I thought we were dead" Said Fred.

"We were." Said Larsen.

"But now," said Fred. "Now, I'd say we were on one of the old
COBRA class escorts."

"Or a CARRONADE," replied Larsen. "By the non-regulation paint
job in this cabin it would have to be one in private hands."

Hopefully not in pirate hands, he thought. "Want to see what's
out there?" He said pointing to the door.

"Sure," said Fred. "What's the worst that can happen?"

Fred stood up and opened the door of the crew cabin only to find
himself staring at the muzzle of a Imperial 7-millimeter ACRS.

"Urk!" said Fred. It was his turn to say it this time.

Larsen saw that the ACRS was being held by woman with short brown
hair wearing an "I (HEART) H.E." tee-shirt along with a set of
Marine grey shipboard boots and trousers, she also had an 11.4
millimeter auto-pistol in a belt holster.

She didn't look a day over thirty in age.

"Good morning Lady Windhaven," said Larsen. "My goodness, you
look lovely today."

"Thank you, Mister Whipsnade," said Lisa. "Dennie would like to
have a word with both of you."

Dennis was sitting with hands folded at the table in the officers
wardroom. Laying on the table was an 11.4 millimeter auto-pistol
identical to the one in Lisa's holster.

He didn't look a day over thirty.

"Gentlemen," said Dennis, "we have a bit of a problem."

"We're on the CHAUCHAT, aren't we?" Asked Fred.

Dennis visibly suppressed a twitch of the right hand.

"In a manner of speaking, yes," said Dennis. "Now, If we may
return to the business at hand."

"Manner of speaking? Larsen piped up. "That should have been
simple 'yes' or 'no' answer."

Dennie's right hand twitched again. It was at this point that the
ship decided to jump into the conversation.

"Except for the original Imperial Standard transponder suite,
which Ditzie was supposed to have destroyed, this vessel is a
close copy of the original CHAUCHAT." said a French accented
feminine voice. "And in a manner of speaking, Dennis are Lisa are
also copies."

Dennis dropped his head into his hands and began to softly groan.

"I told you we didn't need that particular upgrade," Lisa once
again said to Dennis. "But did you listen...nooooo..."

"Miss...um...Mademoiselle CHAUCHAT?" Said Fred.

"I prefer to be called SOPHIE," said the ship. "There is
something fundamentally not nice about naming a ship after the
worst automatic firearm issued to an army in human history. Of
course that's my opinion. You should hear Woody go on about it,
he actually had to use one of the damned things."

"Woody?" Fred and Larsen asked simultaneously.

"Woodrow Wilson Smith." Said Dennis. "And that gentlemen, in a
manner of speaking, is the problem."

"Problems, plural." Said Lisa.

Fred and Larsen looked at each other and then turned back to
Dennis and Lisa. Larsen spoke first.

"So...how do these...problems involve us?"

Dennis answered.

"It's the fallout from your recent trip to the Hellbelt."

"During your romp through the fictional universe memes," said
Lisa, "you made a stop in what appeared to be Woody's universe."

"Um." Said Fred. "Ah. Yes."

"Well, the thing is," said Dennis, "in that universe, that
version of 'Woody' was running around and setting up
Spartan/Helot type colonies for the benefit of his fellow
Howards. While there would be some Howards who were dumb or
depraved enough to engage in such behavior, the real Woody would
never deliberately set up something with moral stench of a
Master/Slave society."

"He's funny that way." Said SOPHIE.

"But it was a fictional meme," said Larsen, "what could possibly
be the problem?"

"By the rules of the Woodyverse," said Dennis, "fictional
universes, including this one, become real universes."

Both Fred and Larsen both thought, oh bloody hell!

"So instead of one Long Family bouncing around the multiverse,"
said Lisa, "we now have a Long Family and an Anti-Long Family
shooting it out."

"And Woody's usual tactic of simply outliving the opposition
really, really, really isn't going to work in this situation."
Said Dennis.

That was a horrible thought. But then Larsen had another thought.

"Lord Windhaven," said Larsen, "It's been some time since..."

Dennis interrupted him.

"Of course," He said. "I have been remiss as a host, something
with an ethyl alcohol content, of course."

Under the circumstances, something with a methyl alcohol content
would be acceptable too.

Lisa slung her ACRS and then pulled two gray labeled bottles of
Old Bilandin from the wardroom fridge and handed them to Fred and
Larsen. Old Bilandin was the worst mass produced beer in the
known universe. Legend was that it brewed with well-used sweat
socks and day-old dog drool from a millennia old Vilani recipe.

Fred watched in horror as Larsen slammed down the entire contents
of his bottle in one sustained chug.

"Its really the only way to do it." Whipsnade gasped.

Ramen looked down at his bottle, closed his eyes, and gulped down
the contents as quickly as possible. Fred let out a belch and
then took a deep breath.

"God!" Said Fred. "That was..."

Fred was going to say dreadful, but then he saw that the 11.4
millimeter auto-pistol was still on the wardroom table and that
Dennis was visibly using his left hand to hold down his right
hand.

"That was very kind of you, my lord." Said Fred.

"Thank you," Said Dennis. He stopped twitching.

"So anyway," said Lisa.

"Three kilograms," Dennis replied. "Anyway, all other factors
being equal in an armed conflict, he who brings the most
firepower to the party usually wins."

Fred and Larsen both made an empty hands gesture. If there was a
way to make a fast credit on this situation either one would have
thought of it by now.

Damn. Perhaps they could make a not-so-fast credit or two.

"Granted," said Dennis, "you two really can't do anything to help
clean up the mess, but at least you can come along for the ride."

The image of both men in vacc-suits being hull-taped to the
exterior of the CHAUCHAT suddenly came to both their minds.

Before either Fred or Larsen could reply, a higher pitched female
voice cut into the conversation from the behind them.

"Are we there yet?" Said the voice.

Ramen and Whipsnade both turned to see a raven-haired and very
well constructed young woman in an "I (Heart) H.E." tee-shirt,
very short white shorts, and long and tight white leather boots.
She also wore a brushed stainless steel pistol of an
unidentifiable type in a white leather thigh holster.

She didn't look a day over thirty.

"No, not yet." Dennis said. "Gentlemen, I believe you've already
met my niece, Ditzie."

Ditzie did a cute little girl wave.

"Hi guys!" She said.

Fred and Larsen waved back. It seemed like a good idea.

"And yes," Dennis said, "there _are_ some things that should be
done to the human genome."

"Well, duhhhhh!" Ditzie replied in a mocking tone of voice.

Lisa crossed her arms and glared at Dennis.

"What?" Said Dennis.

"Oh, come on!" Ditzie said to Dennis. "Uncle Woody says that its
not really incest!"

"Not that it ever stopped him!" Lisa cut in.

"No." Dennis responded to Ditzie. "I won't, but you're welcome to
have a go at Woody."

Before anyone could say anything else an "ahem" emanated from the
aft entrance of the wardroom.

Standing at the hatch was a bald and overweight fellow in his
mid-forties, he had a mustache, wore an old grey tee-shirt,
camouflage trousers, and a pair of eyeglasses.

"Could you guys speed it up a bit?" He said. "I want to get back
to work on my screenplay."

"Les, you could work on your screenplay anytime you wish." Said
Lisa. "But, you don't have the rights to use the official
universe or the money to put your film into production."

"I'll deal with each of the problems one at a time, my lady."
Said the Author.

"Oh, really?" Dennis spoke up. "Deal with the problems? You
haven't even finished _Friends_In_High_Places_, you creep!"

"Yes," Said Fred. "I was wondering about that."

The Author sighed, and then replied.

"Lisa gets dumped by her first husband. Ditzie sets a distance
record for a ship kill with a spine-mount particle beam. Dennis
kills the rogue engineer, and his long lost brother Harry dies in
his arms, but not before he picks up a mental image of the
'Empress in Black.' Aramanx Jack then wears a feather boa to the
victory celebration. And in the epilogue, Strephon signs the
order for the construction of the Longbow-II array."

"Are you all happy now?" Said the Author.

Dennis sat on his own right hand.

"Wait a minute," he said. "Are you saying THAT I AM RESPONSIBLE
for the destruction of the Imperium?"

"What?" Said Larsen. "What happened?"

"Something you guys missed out on." Les replied to Larsen. "Don't
worry about it." He then turned to Dennis.

"No, it was the Archduke Dulinor." He said. "But you guys did
take care of that problem rather nicely."

"Really?" Said Fred. "They did? How?"

"Oh! That was lots of fun!" Said Ditzie. "We went back in time
and I dumped nine gigawatts of coherent light onto Dulinor's
landing boat before he could land and walk into the throne room
and shoot the Emperor!"

Ramen and Whipsnade looked at each other.

Time travel? If only they could...

"The real fun," said Lisa, "was presenting our bona-fides and our
history files to the Emperor. And the cover-up, of course. We
were a bit at loose ends until Woody contacted us."

The Author strolled over to the wardroom fridge, opened it, and
extracted a bottle of Old Bilandin.

"Dennie," the Author said, "how many times do I have to tell you
to stop hiding the good stuff?"

With a wave of his right hand the Author transformed the label on
the bottle from the dull gray of Old Bilandin to the blue with
white letters of something called Samuel Adams.

Dennis was now visibly twitching.

"You invented that swill for that screenplay of yours!" He said.

"Had to," said the Author, "an authority told me that Scout Brew
was no longer in the canon." He took a sip from his bottle. "If
I could think of something worse, I would have used it."

"What about a light beer?" Ditzie asked.

The Author stopped in his tracks. He looked at Ditzie.

"Thank you," he said, "I never thought of that."

Old Bilandin Light, what a truly evil idea. The Author started to
laugh.

Dennis stood up, picked up his 11.4 millimeter auto-pistol from
the table, and shot the Author in the chest.

The impact of the first round caused the Author to drop his beer.
His eyeglasses also flew off and hit the floor causing the right
lens to pop out of the frame.

Dennis fired again.

The second round deformed the Author's head and caused his brains
to be splattered on the wardroom wall.

The Author's body impacted on the deck with a loud thump.

When the ringing in Whipsnade's ears dropped to a tolerable level
he spoke up.

"That was your author?"

"Yes." Said Dennis.

"And were all still here?." Said Ramen.

"We've been, 'here', as you put it since Woody contacted us."
Said Lisa.

"But I thought you liked him." Ditzie said "He liked you."

"He didn't like me," Dennis said levelly, "he never liked me!"

"If he really liked us," said Lisa, "he would never have used us
as the butt of all those pathetic jokes."

"Captain," SOPHIE cut in, "we have returned to normal space."

"Can we have a visual please, SOPHIE?" Dennis replied.

"Oui, mon capitaine!"

Ramen and Whipsnade looked around for the wardroom's holotank.
Instead they saw the walls and ceiling of the room dissolve into
a field of stars. In the starscape above and forward of the ship
was a verdant earth-like world.

"Gentlemen," Dennis said to Fred and Larsen, "welcome to Tellus
Tertius, our new home."

A tall and statuesque brunette woman stepped into the wardroom
with a 7-millimeter ACRS. She almost tripped over the remains of
the Author.

She didn't look a day over thirty.

"I thought I heard gunfire." Dana said. She looked down at the
corpse of the Author and said. "It was about bloody time you did
something about him."

"Yes," said Dennis. "SOPHIE, would you please land the ship."

"Oui, mon capitaine!"

Dennis took one last look at the body on the deck, and then
spoke.

"And would someone please take that trash and stuff it into a
mass converter. And do not mention to me the name of Leslie
Bates ever again."

Ditzie softly spoke to Fred and Larsen.

"Could you guys help me with this?" She said as she pointed to
the late Author.

Sure, they thought, why not? It seemed like a good idea.


The End.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Quote of the Day

"The notion of the world divided between Good and Evil is perceived with dread."

-- Patrice de Beer, Le Monde

Could it be the dread of being identified as being evil, followed by the dread of being dealt with as such?

Cause For Concern

Comrade Putin establishes Der Putinjugend.

Do we give the launch order now or wait until they invade Poland?